How I survived the first year of being a single mom
Mother's
Day is around the corner and it got me to thinking about how I take for
granted what an important job I do each day. Not my jobs as a writer,
photographer, event planner or web designer... I am talking about the
under-appreciated but elite status of "Mommy".
Let's rewind a
bit before I get to my main point of this article, which is sharing
with you all how I survived the first year of being a single parent...
I want to tell you about what life was like before I was doing this job
solo.
I remember my first mother's day like it was yesterday. It
was so exciting to me. My daughter had JUST turned one (the DAY before
actually). I was excited to see what my dear husband would present me
with that morning. My daughter came toddling into the room (just
having learned to walk) and presented me with a card. My husband was
behind her with a big proud smile on his face and a beautifully wrapped
gift in his hands.
Here it was. My moment of appreciation for my
first year on the job. I opened the card and read the Hallmark choice
my spouse had picked for me and the tiny scribble at the bottom that my
daughter had carefully drawn. I felt tears burn the back of my eyes at
this long awaited moment. And then confusion muddled my brain as I saw
the note from him at the bottom: "Mama! Make me some rice!"
I
understand now that in his own way that this was his way of being
funny, his answer later was "Hey, you're not MY mom." However, at the
time I was so disappointed when I opened the beautiful gift to find an
ordinary old rice steamer. My first mother's day gift. A kitchen
appliance that I didn't even really need. Sigh.
Now years
later, I see that first mother's day would be symbolic of the years
ahead of me. A husband that would never really "get" nor "appreciate"
me (which is one of the many reasons he is an EX-husband now, ha)...
children that wanted nothing more than to see me smile, even if it was
just from a scribble at the bottom of a paper... and that the demands
of motherhood would always come before personal happiness and freedom,
but would often lead to it anyways.
Later that day, I DID make
Jenna some rice in our new steamer, and we had fun figuring it out
together and eating some rice and chicken as a family. Despite my
disappointment, it ended up being a meaningful and memorable day.
So,
in honor of mother's day, I am going to share with you the top 10
things you should focus on when starting out down the path of being a Single Super Mom:
- Adjust your expectations.
If you are like me, you will want to maintain the same standard of
living you had when you were a two-parent and two-income family. You
will quickly learn that you cannot exist with the same levels of
expectations you had when you were a duo... you are now a solo super
mom... the house will be messier, your bank account will have a lower
balance, you will be more tired, more stressed, find less time for
yourself. Your kids will be naughtier. You will get less sleep. You
will work harder than you ever have in your life. You will NOT
complete your first year as a single parent as the same person you
started it... It WILL change you. So go into it expecting change and
adjustment around every corner and you will be much better off with
that reality in your mind. (recommended site: www.singlemom.com) - Surround yourself with a strong network of friends and family.
So
many women find themselves alienating themselves after a divorce or
separation. This is partly because friends can be the worst casualty
of a divorce. It's hard for friends of couples to pick sides, so often
they don't... they just lose touch. But you will find out who your
REAL friends are during this time. They are the ones that pick up the
phone and call for no other reason than to check on you. They are the
ones that offer to babysit so you can have an hour to grocery shop by
yourself. They are the ones that will bring a casserole for the kids
and a bottle of wine for you and offer to let you sit and drink the
wine while she feeds the kids. Don't push these friends away, even if
your instinct is to hibernate from the world at first. These are the
people that will help you up when you are down. And you will need
supportive friends and family as you journey through single parenting
more than you ever have before in your life. (recommended sites for
staying in touch with friends and family: Facebook, Gmail, share photos on-line Photobucket, keep in touch by creating a blog at Blogger or Vox). - Carve out time for yourself.
Even married moms find themselves losing their own identities in the
midst of motherhood. You go to sleep one night a strong independent
and creative woman one night and find yourself waking up with no other
identity than butt and nose wiper, housekeeper, short order cook and
taxi driver. And once you become a single parent, there is no one to
share these duties with, so you find yourself hitting the floor running
from the time you wake up, until the time you hit the sack late that
night. Find a good sitter and book her at least once a month for a
couple of hours. The kids will enjoy playing with someone new and you
will enjoy having a few hours to yourself, even if it's just to grab a
book from the library and find a quiet cafe to read and enjoy a cup of
coffee. If you can't afford a sitter, make good use of those
visitation weekends with the ex. Don't use the entire weekend to catch
up on housework and chores... be sure to use some of that time to do
something you truly enjoy, something that feeds your soul and your own
identity. (my favorite place to have some downtime - grab a girlfriend
and a bottle of wine and paint pottery: Kiln Time) - Do your research.
Whether it's finding affordable housing, a stable job, or the perfect
child-care facility, don't just jump on the first thing you find. The
internet is such a GREAT resource of information, but don't discount
word of mouth either. Get referrals and recommendations from friends
and family. Check references. And then finally you can use that
information and combine it with your gut instinct to make the right
decisions for your family. (resources at Parents.com: Surviving(and Thriving) as a Single Mom, 10 Way to Reduce Single Parent Stress, Single Parents' Secrets of Success) - Maintain a routine.
Most likely you will be splitting one home into two, and that can be a
huge adjustment for any child. The most important thing you can do for
all of your sanity is to create a household routine that works for
everyone and stick to it. Assign kids age-appropriate chores and
develop a reward chart to encourage them to stick to it. Get up at the
same time everyday (even if you don't feel like it), make plans on the
weekends that you can all look forward to, even if it's just going to
the park or hitting a local festival, and keep a regular bedtime that
starts with a scheduled routine (bedtime snack followed by bath and
teeth brushing and wrapped up with a bedtime story and/or bedtime
prayers). This routine will be what your children and even you hold
onto when the rest of your lives seem upside down and confusing.
(GREAT and easy to download reward charts: Supernanny Reward System) - Do not jump into dating right away.
I think the most tempting thing for me once I found myself single and
with two free weekends a month was to jump into dating. I was newly
skinny (thanks to my diet of stress starvation and lack of sleep) - and
felt confident for the first time in many years. Like most newly
single mom's, I wasn't use to spending those free weekends alone, so I
grabbed another single girlfriend and hit the bars flirting shamelessly
with men much younger than me. While it was fun and good for my
self-esteem, in the long run it just made me feel more alone than
before. Use that time instead to fall in love with yourself again.
Take up a hobby you always wanted to do, but never had the time.
Preferably something that will get you in social situations, but
without the pressure of dating. Take a class or join a gym. Who
knows... you might meet someone anyways, but by then you will have
learned to be okay being alone too. (my favorite family-friendly gym
with lots of fun classes and activities: Lifetime Fitness) - Treat yourself to something nice.
I am going to tell you to stick to a budget in my next tip, but
FIRST... go treat yourself. You just got through one of the most
difficult times of your life and you are about to spend the next decade
or more putting your life on the back burner for your children. Reward
yourself for getting through it intact and having the strength and
confidence to go it alone. Buy yourself a watch, the designer purse
you have been drooling over, or treat yourself to a trip or spa day.
(my favorite online shopping: Amazon, Red Envelope, James Avery, Ebay). - Create and STICK TO a Budget.
Okay, despite what I said above, you do have to REALLY watch how you
spend your money now. It's time to look at how much money you have
coming in and limit what you have going out. I cannot say enough about
how important this is. I learned this lesson the HARD way.
(recommended site: www.mint.com) - Stay positive.
You can do this. If you think you can't - email me for a Weekly
Motivator. When you don't think you can find anything to smile
about... fake it... eventually you will find it is genuine.
- Release yourself of the guilt.
You will be okay. Your kids will be okay. Your ex will be okay. Your
friends and family will still love you. All you can do is your very
best. Don't be a critic of yourself. Don't have regrets. Do cheer
yourself on EVERYDAY. Do look forward to the future... because the
power to make it great is in YOUR hands.
Stay tuned to my
next article - Going from Stay-at-home Mom to Work-away-from-the-home
Mom in 5 simple steps without losing your sanity. Copyright 2009
Miranda Krebbs. For more information about the author of this article,
please email miranda@luckystardesigns.net.
